Sister makes things weird in the family by refusing to pay for her sister’s meals when they eat out, as she is 37 years old: ‘I noticed that when she pays for her own meal, she never orders at the same place as us.’

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Aug 1, 2026 10:30 AM EDT

Is money that important when it could mean that you stop spending as much time with your sister and separate her from her niece? Is it truly just about money?

We are always focusing on who's wrong and who's right when we argue, when the real problem lies in the cause of the argument itself. We are so busy blaming each other for discussing instead of trying to fix it and go back to normal. As if the most important thing about a dispute is who was right instead of getting to a middle ground. That seems to be the case even in the story below.

Is it really that important whether you are right to not pay for your sister's food or if you are wrong by being so fixated on something so dumb? Isn't it more important to talk to each other, understand what you are feeling, and try to work things out? Why is it so hard for people to compromise? To move the focus from who is wrong and focus on trying to make things better. If they had done that, there wouldn't be an argument now.

It also got to me the fact that the thought of separating the family over something as dumb as this had occurred to these people. They are so fixated on being correct that they don't even realize that this is not a valid reason to grow apart from your family. Money is just that, paper with value, but not more value than family. Especially in this case, where the amount is so low as to be causing a discussion this big.

The truth is that both of them are wrong, and instead of continuing to fight over nothing, they need to get over their pride and start to compromise and talk to each other. Fix things, be open about the real cause of the argument, because I'm sure the problem isn't really money, and most probably is just the change of one of them having children while the other one hasn't yet. So get over it. Family is more important than any of these. There is no reason to distance each other over something like this. 
 

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  • 01
    I (39F) am married with one daughter (9F) while my sister (37F) is single and childless. It her choice and she enjoys her free time, which I respect and sometimes even envies. We live in different states. When she visits, she stays at our place and I cook for her or treat her to restaurants. She never pays for anything except a small gift for my daughter once in a while. When I visit, she cannot accommodate us in her small
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  • 02
    An aunt with her niece hugging and talking to each other. Representation.
    via Omar Lopez

    An aunt with her niece hugging and talking to each other. 

    Representation.

  • 03
    apartment. So we stay at a hotel for a few days (2 or 3 nights). Since we are more people, I do not expect her to pay for our meals but I just realized she still expects me to pay for hers when we are visiting her. I never saw it before and automatically takes out my card but my daughter innocently asks why when we are "guests" at her aunt's (although we don't stay there), she never take us out. Last visit, we went to
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  • 04
    a fast food to buy burgers for take out and after putting in my order and paying, I asked her whether she was ordering anything here. I could see she was shocked and did not even have her wallet. She mumbled something about not being hungry right now and wanting pizza next door instead. She went out later to get food. I ordered just for my family those 3 days. We also did not eat-in at any restaurant as it is harder to do
    via MammothBag7368
  • 05
    discreetly in a restaurant. She did not look upset then but I noticed that when she pays for her own meal, she never orders at the same place a us. She was going to visit in 2 weeks and I was still going to cook for her (but no meals out). However she just cancelled her visit saying that she needed rest as it was busy at work. I feel guilty as my daughter won't be able to spend time with her aunt and feel a bit upset that
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  • 06
    it might be because of me not paying her meals when I visit. My husband thinks I am the AH ruining my relationship with my sister over a few meals when I knew she was cheap and got her used to paying for everything... I disagree as think I just started doing the normal thing without causing an argument? AITAH
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  • 07
    A woman eating a hamburger at a restaurant with friends. Representation.
    via Alex Haney

    A woman eating a hamburger at a restaurant with friends.

    Representation.

  • 08
    Euphoric-Effective30 Nta - but talk to her. Don't lose the relationship because you won't confront her about it. If she still acts like you need to pay for her company - then let her have space to grow up.
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  • 09
    angelicak92 Shes 37 years old. She can pay for her own food. She is not a child. Nta
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  • 10
    Fabulous_Stay_5556 I think not having the conversation beforehand is the problem. You set up the expectation by not doing it sooner. Talk to her now.
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  • 11
    FoofTheBunny Communicate with her. If you had just said that you would not be paying for her meals and entertainment during the trip, as you had more mouths to feed ahead of time, I think she would have understood. She may be feeling guilty or uncomfortable because it wasn't discussed. Just have a conversation.
    via MammothBag7368
  • 12
    selene NTA Tell Dad to stfu. The nine yr old gets it, but he cannot?!
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  • 13
    YourLittleRuth It would be reasonable for her, when she is visiting you, to take you and your family out for a nice meal during her stay as a thank-you for hosting her. It would be reasonable for her to pick up some bits and pieces—she could notice that you're low on milk, or buy a nice cheese for you, or something. If you stayed with her, it would be reasonable for you to do likewise, and
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  • 14
    perhaps spring for more than one meal, as there are more of you than of her. But you aren't staying with her, so she isn't providing breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks etc, thus if you were to go out to a restaurant it wouldn't be outrageous for you to pay for your family, and she for herself. She obviously doesn't think in reasonable terms. She is, in fact, a mooch.
    via MammothBag7368
  • 15
    You need to sort out, before her next visit, whether she gets to stay with you and eat with you for free plus treat you to something (even takeout), or, she gets to stay in a convenient nearby hotel and look after herself. You won't, I dare say. And she won't even try. So go on as you are, behaving in a reasonable way without drawing her attention to the fact that she is a mooch who can no longer get away with it.
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  • 16
    Big Dawgg-13 ESH. Your sister is entitled and needs a reality check. Your husband thinks you should continue to enable your sister's entitlement. You decided to be passive aggressive with what you will pay for. Nowhere in any of this did you write anything about a discussion directly with your sister. THAT appears to be the problem. Lack of communication.
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  • 17
    Dances With Trout NTA My husband thinks Ham my sister is the AH for ruining her my relationship with my sister me over a few meals because when I knew she is was cheap and got her used to me paying for everything. There. I fixed it for him.
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